you will applaud my eulogy!!!

Hello world. Its me again.

I feel really bad about my failure to post in the last few weeks but I promise I have good reasons

-I’m in nigeria
-I’ve been moving house with my brother
-the manz
-the girls
-trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life

Lagos life is hard but I really can’t complain. I’m around my friends and family and I seem to always have something to do. That’s a lot more than I can say for johannesburg.

I got a job!!! Well kind of…I think…and my new bosses have to be the coolest people on earth. I mean they both read my blog and they are STILL hiring me! They are either super cool or mildly insane. Either way, they are my kind of people.

My dream of throwing a surprise party for my bestie boo also came true and went very well. I couldn’t have done it by myself tho, so shoutouts to all the people who made it happen. We love you! I know Oyeboom had an amazing time.

*clears throat*

I wanna talk about something else but I have learnt from the ugwu picking love triangle that talking about your love life on your blog or twitter can never lead to anything good. So ill just keep that little nugget to myself

Why is life so annoying and complex? This devil guy keeps trying me, thinking imma slip up. Dude has nooo idea. Binding and casting of him and his minions is too sure -_-

The vibe right now is a combination of excitement, anticipation, frustration, exhaustion and calm. I am one of the few people I know who can be feeling these things all at once.

I love my mummy and my brother. They rock the most. Even when they make me wanna pull my hair out, they are still rocking on the low. So it works.

I love when things work.

Ps: I am NOT Jide!!! Jide is an actual person. Bb you’ve gotta believe me!!!

Love, jewels and gucci mules *xoxo*

*pps: this is not a sex blog* pt1

I want to fuck you is an understatement.

Really.I’m sure your brain just went into ‘What-the-absolute-fuck’ mode. Chill.
Think about single everything I’m about to say to you. When you are done thinking, there are two things you should be curious about…
 
You’d wonder if i’m lying.

You’d also wonder if i can do what I’m about to tell you.

 Listen first.

I’m not sorry I said i want to fuck you. There’s a slight problem though….

‘Fuck’ does not nearly cover the length and breadth of what I have already done to you in my mind.

For however long as we might both see fit, I would like you to let me do things to your body. Good things, bad things…. dirty things.

I want to fuck your body. I also want to fuck your mind.

The thing is, even though I want these things, most of all, i want you to want them too.

When i take your clothes off, I want to take them off knowing you want me to.

When I put you on my bed (or drape you on the back of my couch… or spread you on my Kitchen counter…),
I want to know that in that moment… I own your body. Or I plan to shortly.

I want to kiss you. On both lips.

I want to know want it feels like to have your tongue duel mine…. when you are lying naked under me.

I want to ‘Capture it’ in that moment in my brain when you close your eyes because you know i’m going down… to your other lips.

I want to see your reaction when you think i’m about to close my mouth on you… but i gently breathe on it instead.

I want to know what it feels like to hear you moan because I’m spelling my name on your Clit with my tongue.

I hope you Cum when I go down on you. But if you don’t, it’s no biggie. Uncle Jide will sort that out for you in bit.

When I enter you, I want to do it slowly.

When i withdraw so i can go deeper, I want to see how wet you are for me…. On me. Are you getting me?

I want to look down on you and know that I’m responsible for the hazy look on face… the slight parting of your lips…
I yearn for that moment when my room smells of me…. and you… mixed together. 

I’m stopping here. Not because I’m teasing you, but because I’m certain in your mind’s eye, you can see how the rest of this plays out.

You can see the look on my face when you clench… with me inside you.

If you can’t, you can’t should have stopped reading this post at the 4th line.
I should not have told you how I really felt, because I should have deduced you wouldn’t believe me anyway.

No matter what Omorinsanjo says, this post was not written by Jide.

She’s also a retard. Don’t read her blog again.

*************************

Well there you have it, a post not written by Jide.

*Love, jewels and gucci mules*

Mo*

*ps; this is not a sex blog* (male perspective)

The male perspective, courtesy of a self confessed sex fiend…

Enjoy!

Men have quite a few errogenous zones. Unlike women we are very aware of them.

Foreplay is so limitless, and is a great opportunity to show your inner child.
A lot of guys don’t like or are very selfish when it comes to foreplay. Most guys just feel it is the duty of their partner to please them. THIS IS SO WRONG.

Foreplay/sex works best when both parties are involved. Yes, receiving a blowjob from a girl while you jus lay back and watch her tease, lick, and perform wonders with her tongue is a truly amazing feeling…but you can and should return the favour. If you take time to please your woman, she will truly appreciate it…and if you don’t she will Meryl Streep the hell out of that orgasm!.

What is better than a quickie just before you leave for work? Or during work when you are stressing about meeting targets?
Go ahead! Send a quick bbm to Uloma in accounting telling her to meet you at your spot in 5 mins, and get to it. Time is not on your side.

*hums quietly*

“I’m not tryna give you love and affection, I’m tryna give you 60 seconds of perfection”

Is it possible for a man to fake an orgasm?….

Yes, but only skilled veterans like me can pull it off. And now you’re asking why would a guy fake an orgasm? The same reason the chick you had last night faked: Because you were lame and she had one too many shots of tequila, her pupils were dilated and at that moment, she saw (….insert fantasy man here) standing in front of her, not the bald 40+ uncle with a mouth smelling of pepper soup and belly full of stout!

 

Do’s and Don’t’s of foreplay

Girls DO make sure you are fresh, nothing more off putting than inhaling a fresh batch of BO mixed with fish when we are about to explore that body!

DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT under no circumstances, bite the peen. Nibble yes. Bite no. If you must use teeth, there is a technique called Corn on the Cob…(for details, inquire within ).

Try to make the BJ as sloppy and wet as possible. The wetter the better! Yea I know it sounds messy and you might get saliva all over your freshly done South American weave but a good weave sweated out is a very good sign you have put in good work!

 
DO NOT try to deep throat if you are not skilled in the art, you will just end up looking extremely stupid and erase whatever affection or esteem he held you in…but if you consider yourself a truly skilled wench in the ancient art, then please by all means, show off! Nothing more sexy than a girl who knows what to do and how…

Thank me later ladies…

The sex fiend.

Disclaimer: the thoughts and items in this here article are not the opinion of Momo or YPS. Direct your comments and anger accordingly. Tenx! Mo*

*Love, jewels and gucci mules*

*ps: this is not a sex blog*

The next series of posts are going to be a bit more explicit than my readers are used to…and will include the male perspective that is not usually explored on YPS! If you are offended please take it up with Jide. I have absolutely nothing to do with it…O:)

Well except the one below….;)

Its a post that I wrote for someone else’s blog. Got rejected for being a bit too much. So yea, there are bigger prudes than me out there…:)

Enjoy!

When I was asked to write this, I thought “what do I know about women’s sexual needs? I’ve never slept with one!”…

And then I realized the assumption is that I should know BECAUSE of the fact that I’m female and not in spite of it.

Before I begin…

Disclaimer: I am a virgin(esque) being and the views in this article are not mine but those of all the over, under and average sexed women who live in my head. I tend to eavesdrop on their conversations

*clears throat*

Unlike men who have only one button (2 if a girl really knows what she’s doing), women are complicated creatures in the sack. I can readily think of 10 buttons on my own person, but in my experience,(or lack thereof) most men only know or pay attention to 3…(4 if he really knows what he’s doing).

the voices in my head have asked me to tell the men a few things.

-foreplay is your friend!

Are you aware that a vast number of women can climax from boob action only? Its all about the anticipation! Mind fuck her and half your job is done. None of this “wham, bam, thank you m’aam” stuff! Its all about a squeeze here, a tickle there and a lick in the other place. I know you know what I mean *wink*

-size matters?

Depends. I always ask the question, is he too small? Or are you too big? At the end of the day big does not always mean good. In fact, the ladies are telling me the small-medium guys try harder…ok ladies! Keep it down up there. I’m trying to write a serious article!!!

Pardon me…

-a lick in time

Missy Elliot scared a lot of men with that ‘one minute man’ jam. I know the ladies are gonna boo me now but sometimes a minute or two is all you need! When time is of the essence? Or you are in public? Or you have a meeting? Or class? No? Just me then….ok

I’m not saying one minute should be the norm people!!! But I definitely think men over estimate the importance of lasting…so you did 45mins of the same thing! You want a medal? Or I should tear pant and wear bra? (Shame on you for not already tearing the paynt by the way).

3 sets of 15-20 minutes will get you better ratings than 1 long boring 45 minutes! Please, adjust accordingly.

Moving on…

There is a reason why it is called ‘toe curling’…some women worry about their man’s ego in the sack. So they fake the big O. And the man is walking around feeling like a champ based on some well placed ooohs and ahhhs. Young man, DESIST! And also, marry her! She cares enough about your health and feelings not to make you keep going till you get it right. The secret is to check the toes. The toes MUST curl! If they don’t, she faked it. Its an uncontrollable reflex.

And ladies, fake it once and you have only yourself to blame for the rest of what will be your horrible sex life….just saying…

So if I were going to have sex (which I am not), with a man(or woman), at some point(NEVER!), this is how I would like it to go( not that I’ve ever thought about sex)….*side eye*

Wow, this holy act is very exhausting….

So yea…

Foreplay!!! Yes please…no violence though…its skin sweeties! Not gummy bears! Don’t be chewing on a girls bits as if you are trying to turn agbalumo into gum!

To be clear: nibbling? Yes! Aggresive chewing? Hellz noz! Capisce?

Keep things interesting. Be tender. Listen to body language. Back arching, toe curling, lip biting…good signs. Silence, tweeting, ceiling tile counting…not so much.

Learn a girls turn ons and you can control her like a puppet with a hand up its skirt. Literally.

These are the secrets. Let’s keep it just between us though

Ps: just so you know, sex is BAD!!! Don’t do it! But if you must, please do it right.

Love, jewels and gucci mules.xoxo

the thing is…

I don’t even know where I get the energy to blog so much these days. But I guess writing is the only thing that calms me when my brain is clogged. Kind of like it is now.

Fashion week is finally over! I’m so glad. Had an amazing time, met some amazing people and saw some gorgeous clothes but damn! Fashion week is stress!

Making a decision does not always solve problems, in fact it can bring new ones. For instance, I know that writing is what I want to do with my life, but now I’m faced with new decisions regarding where, how and when I want to pursue it as a career.

I feel like my mind is one of those gross houses you see on ‘Hoarders’. And I need to get in there and separate the valuables from the crap. Clutter shrinks spaces and clearing my brain clutter will hopefully make way for new and improved clutter to come in.

On a lighter note…

That olodo rabata called Jide that I always mention on here is going to be contributing a few articles to YPS! Woop! Lawd knows what he’s going to write but I imagine it will be insane, blunt, retarded and slightly offensive. Just like him…scratch the ‘slightly’.

The thing…the thing is that the thing is a combination of things felt, said and done. Proclamation or silence on the subject of the thing does not validate or cancel out the existence of said thing. The conundrum is whether the timing of the thing leaves surrounding things in the same state as before. Or if the thing will lead to a domino like sequence of disasters.

Like the wise men say, “if you like pina coladas, or getting lost in the rain, if you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain”…ok, where was I going with this? I think the song is just stuck in my head. :s

The thing is as the thing does.

I am aware that none of the above paragraphs had anything to do with one another. Blame it on the brain clutter. It causes me to blurt out random thoughts and words.

Maybe some novacane….

Ps: I burped super loud today. But noone heard…bloody waste. Just thought you guys should know that.

Love, jewels and gucci mules. Xoxo

dumb questions with a shot

Why does life have to be so complex?

Why don’t we know the answers to exam questions without studying?

Why aren’t there people handing out money without needing you to write a business plan or go face down, ass up in return?

Why can’t we live our lives without having to consider other peoples feelings and opinions?

Why do amazing gifts have to come with terms and conditions of use?

Why can guys tell girls how they actually just wanna bang other girls instead of playing games and making you feel responsible for your own misery?

Why is it so hard for men to take a hint?

Why is wealth not directly proportionate to how hard people work or the good deeds they have done?

Why is there a place called FESTAC and why do people choose to live there? (Lol, I had to)

Why doesn’t it rain wine?

Why did God make all these delicious things for us to eat if they are only going to ruin the bodies he gave us? Really G, its not ok!

Why do asshole exs have to spoil things for you and every other person you are going to be with?

Why don’t I have everything I want and deserve?

Why can’t we choose the families we are born into?

Why does perfection have to be tainted by little things we cannot control?

Why don’t I have more shoes?

And…

How the FUCK did I get so lucky?

These are the questions…

Love, jewels and gucci mules. xoxo

a brain is still a brain…

I feel insane. Seriously. I might be losing my mind. What’s left of it anyway…

I want to say something clever but the area of my brain that controls wit and humour is….otherwise occupied.

I’m gonna have to go the drug route. Not sure if its uppers or downers I need. Half the time I’m excited and I feel like I can accomplish a million things at once, the other half I just wanna curl up in a ball and ingest ludicrous amounts of cheese and alcohol. Cream cheese calms me…

I wonder if there’s a desert that has both cheese and red wine in it…and maybe gets served in a shoe shaped bowl? Am I reaching for the stars here? AM I???

Sigh, I should really get back on that diet huh?

My horoscope predictions have been freakishly correct this week. Except today. Apparently I was supposed to stick my nose in someone’s business and have it end in disaster…I’ve managed to avoid the nose sticking. However, disaster is always on the horizon in my world.

Top things on my checklist this week:

Calm the fuck down.

Eschew all carbs and sugars.

Catch up on exam studying.

Decide if I’m team natural or team relaxed hair…(this 2 inch undergrowth is not a good look!).

Start eliminating menz.

Curb….

(Ok pause)

So I just got a message from someone. I never put names on here but lawd…its been a while since a message made me light headed. I don’t want to gush. But yea…the brain is light. The heart is doing the superbass thing. And mimi…well…

(Ok back to my depressing rant, press play)

Errr…forgot what I was so mad/sad about…that’s odd.

Love, jewels and gucci mules.